But what does it matter?

I finally became resigned to never having a job. I just felt like I had tried everything, and nothing was working. I felt frustrated, and disappointed.

At this point I realised that my motives for wanting a job had switched from wanting to glorify God to wanting to please my parents and earn money.

If my motives were to glorify God, it would not matter whether I had a job or not. I think it really shows where your idols are when you are disappointed.

The truth is, that it matters not whether I am dead or alive, in a job or jobless.

"But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice."

The reason for bitterness, anger or disappointment is that your plans have been disrupted.

Many people are frustrated because their life isn't how they planned it.

I am realising more and more as I get older, is that in our lowest moments, we see God most clearly.

I am thankful that I am single. The pain I had from my break up made me understand how to trust God more. I learnt so much.

I am grateful that I spent this year without a job. And if I spend next year without a job, I will be thankful God regardless.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Tight Dresses

I am genuinely mystified why there are so many girls... even Christian girls... who go around with really high heels, tight dresses, brightly coloured nails, and way too much lipstick. Do they think this is what "sexy" is? What kind of guys like this sort of thing? This is going to sound bad, but I think this is more common for overweight girls. Perhaps they are trying to draw attention to their figure because they feel like they are passed over so often for girls who are thinner or have better faces.

God I thank you that I am not like other people

The Tax Collector and the Pharisee

The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

Thankfulness

I understand that the parable is about the self-righteous attitude of the Pharisee, not his act of comparing himself to other people. However, I am extremely perplexed by people who have a similar attitude.

Oh hey, how was your trip?

Oh it was so good. I really just appreciate all I have now.

How so?

Well just seeing how people live over there, it just makes you so thankful for what you have.

What do you mean?

They just have so much less. We are just so blessed living here.

Is this attitude right or wrong? Should we be thankful that we have material as well as spiritual blessings? Should we ever look at ourselves and think, "I'm so thankful that God has given me so much."

I think this has several problems:

1. Your position is not necessarily better than someone else's.

2. You are called to be content in whatever circumstances, not content only in your current circumstances.

3. How do you know what is good or bad?

I heard this story once.

There was an old man who lived in a village. One day a horse wandered into his yard. The villagers came out and said, "Wow you are so lucky!"

The old man said, "This is neither good nor bad, only God can say."

The next day, his son was riding on the horse, and he fell off and broke his leg. The villagers came again and said, "How unfortunate! I bet you wish you never set eyes on the horse."

The old man said, "This is neither good nor bad, only God can say."

The next day, the army came to conscript all the young boys. The old man's son couldn't go because of his broken leg.

The story continues on like this. My point is that we should hold lightly to our circumstances, and not judge them as being better or worse than others. We are essentially saying to God, "I like my life being this way, don't change it" when we are thankful we are not like someone else.

Instead, we should be thankful for the objective truths, which other people share with us no matter what our circumstances.

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Being an individual

I want to live a life that inspires others.

My teenage years were full of songs like Simple Plan and Linkin Park, songs that sang of breaking from conformity and being an individual. However, being an individual has to have a purpose. You cannot just aim to break from the trend without an ideal.

It's funny that with this "indie" movement, the only thing people are moving into is the act of wearing fashion and listening to music that is not in the mainstream. Really? Music and fashion? Is that what you want to make your mark on the world with?

It is not the act of breaking away that is important, but the act of breaking away so that others can follow. And when they follow, they must be inspired to construct a world that is courageously selfless.

The last testimony night.

Our bible study is going to disband next year because its leaders no longer have the time to lead. As a result, we had our last "testimony" night. Everyone had already done their testimony, including me. However, the guy who asked me to do my testimony, happened to have aspects of his life that I knew for certain he hasn't shared with the group. I made a deal with him that if he would share his "real" testimony with the group, then I would share mine.

.

I wasn't sure why I did it. I think part of me knew that I couldn't hide who I was from the world, especially because I tell everyone that I value honesty above everything else. It's hard to share the parts of you that may lead to judgment by others.

I'm so glad I did though. I don't think I've ever felt this close to the people in my bible study. Not because they said anything necessarily, but because I could feel that they understood where I was coming from.

Your beauty is a lie

If our inner character was shown on the outside, what heinous creatures would walk this earth! We would be deformed monsters, so repulsed by each other that no physical, emotional or mental contact would be possible. Yet the reality is that our natures are hidden, and we are often defined by our outer appearance, which is a culmination of our looks, our actions, our personalities, our words.

Often as a child I would wrestle with the idea, trying to come to terms with the desire within me to be beautiful, but thinking that somehow my beauty was to be found on the inside.

As I grow older I begin to see the flaw in this view. My beauty does not come from my outside, but nor does it come from my inside. My beauty does not come from my intellect, or from the music I play, the songs I sing, the life that I live. It does not come from the image that I wrap myself in to protect myself from judgment.

Instead, I must stop gazing at myself. I must stop gazing at myself, not only in the mirror, but also in my internal mirror. Why would I want to look at myself when I can gaze steadily at my Creator! For my beauty should be of no concern, for it is naught but a distraction from the depth of beauty that can be found in the character of the one who formed me.

Psalm 73.

"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped. I had nearly lost my foothold."

Sometimes I look at my friends who have attained their goals already, and wonder why it has come so easy to them. The wrong response here would be to contemplate how fortunate I am, to turn my eyes to the less fortunate, and to be thankful. However, this form of thankfulness is nothing but self-praise. Being thankful for what you have by comparing yourself to others is a celebration of yourself. You do not deserve what you have, nor is it your right to enjoy it. The only response you can do, is to look to God.

"For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong, they are free from the burdens common to man: they are not plagued by human ills."

How does the psalmist respond to his jealousy? He looks to God.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

The reality of these idle thoughts is that they lead you away from your Creator, your true God who loves you dearly. "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."

It is so hard to be beautiful. It is hard to be a pleasing form, both in your face but also in your soul. That is because none of us are truly beautiful. Anything you see that you think is beautiful is merely a mask of beauty, that is formed through your exposure to the world and its definitions of beauty. It is perhaps a fleeting glimpse of a greater beauty, that is harder to focus on, but greater to behold.

Even though the bible points out that we should adorn ourselves with a beautiful spirit, it does not say that we should be gazing at each other's beauty. We should not be looking at each other's characters, or even our own, or be in awe. The only one who should appreciate the beauty of our hearts is God. "which in God's sight is very precious."

The greatest beauty we can possess, is a spirit that points people to God. This is not our own beauty, but God's beauty, which people see through us. I heard an illustration once, which is apt for the thought I am trying to express. We should be windows, through which people see God. People do not stare at windows, and examine the glass, they look through the window at what is beyond.

In the same way, there should be nothing of ourselves which people look to and see as a beauty that we possess. We must strive to possess no beauty, both inside and out, which does not provoke the viewer to gaze upon God.

What a relief this is to the forlorn spirit, who tries from birth to draw attention to themselves, trying to work out who they are, and wondering what their inner and outer beauty says about themselves.

There is nothing like hindsight to understand your folly. Watching the high school kids bumble around, trying to create identities, reminds me of the deep selfishness that this attitude is predicated on. None of them are beautiful on the outside really, not by the standards set by television and magazines, but each are trying to be king or queen of their own domain. They want to command how others see them, not knowing that their efforts are futile, and the people they are trying to impress are not worth the trouble.

I wish deeply to stop gazing at myself, but it is a hard and arduous journey. It involves daily turning my attention away from myself, fighting the oscillation between insecurity and pride, and striving to feel nothing for myself, but everything for my God.