If our inner character was shown on the outside, what heinous creatures would walk this earth! We would be deformed monsters, so repulsed by each other that no physical, emotional or mental contact would be possible. Yet the reality is that our natures are hidden, and we are often defined by our outer appearance, which is a culmination of our looks, our actions, our personalities, our words.
Often as a child I would wrestle with the idea, trying to come to terms with the desire within me to be beautiful, but thinking that somehow my beauty was to be found on the inside.
As I grow older I begin to see the flaw in this view. My beauty does not come from my outside, but nor does it come from my inside. My beauty does not come from my intellect, or from the music I play, the songs I sing, the life that I live. It does not come from the image that I wrap myself in to protect myself from judgment.
Instead, I must stop gazing at myself. I must stop gazing at myself, not only in the mirror, but also in my internal mirror. Why would I want to look at myself when I can gaze steadily at my Creator! For my beauty should be of no concern, for it is naught but a distraction from the depth of beauty that can be found in the character of the one who formed me.
Psalm 73.
"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped. I had nearly lost my foothold."
Sometimes I look at my friends who have attained their goals already, and wonder why it has come so easy to them. The wrong response here would be to contemplate how fortunate I am, to turn my eyes to the less fortunate, and to be thankful. However, this form of thankfulness is nothing but self-praise. Being thankful for what you have by comparing yourself to others is a celebration of yourself. You do not deserve what you have, nor is it your right to enjoy it. The only response you can do, is to look to God.
"For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong, they are free from the burdens common to man: they are not plagued by human ills."
How does the psalmist respond to his jealousy? He looks to God.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
The reality of these idle thoughts is that they lead you away from your Creator, your true God who loves you dearly. "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."
It is so hard to be beautiful. It is hard to be a pleasing form, both in your face but also in your soul. That is because none of us are truly beautiful. Anything you see that you think is beautiful is merely a mask of beauty, that is formed through your exposure to the world and its definitions of beauty. It is perhaps a fleeting glimpse of a greater beauty, that is harder to focus on, but greater to behold.
Even though the bible points out that we should adorn ourselves with a beautiful spirit, it does not say that we should be gazing at each other's beauty. We should not be looking at each other's characters, or even our own, or be in awe. The only one who should appreciate the beauty of our hearts is God. "which in God's sight is very precious."
The greatest beauty we can possess, is a spirit that points people to God. This is not our own beauty, but God's beauty, which people see through us. I heard an illustration once, which is apt for the thought I am trying to express. We should be windows, through which people see God. People do not stare at windows, and examine the glass, they look through the window at what is beyond.
In the same way, there should be nothing of ourselves which people look to and see as a beauty that we possess. We must strive to possess no beauty, both inside and out, which does not provoke the viewer to gaze upon God.
What a relief this is to the forlorn spirit, who tries from birth to draw attention to themselves, trying to work out who they are, and wondering what their inner and outer beauty says about themselves.
There is nothing like hindsight to understand your folly. Watching the high school kids bumble around, trying to create identities, reminds me of the deep selfishness that this attitude is predicated on. None of them are beautiful on the outside really, not by the standards set by television and magazines, but each are trying to be king or queen of their own domain. They want to command how others see them, not knowing that their efforts are futile, and the people they are trying to impress are not worth the trouble.
I wish deeply to stop gazing at myself, but it is a hard and arduous journey. It involves daily turning my attention away from myself, fighting the oscillation between insecurity and pride, and striving to feel nothing for myself, but everything for my God.
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